Fight with J

I came into work this morning and went pretty much straight to My Lady Friend, who listened patiently while I grimped and griped about what appears to be me and J's first real fight. 

that's a lie, but it does seem to have a different quality. I don't want to apologize or back down. I don't want to be the one to fix it. I want him to come grovelling and make it up to me. I am sick of being the one in the wrong in our relationship

I am sick of being the 'one with problems' - why do you have to make everything miserable/a big deal/difficult.

yup. that's me alright. miserable fucker No. 1

I am angry at him. 

I am angry that he doesn't know family things are a big deal already. that he got shitty and demanding and didn't come to me soothingly over such a huge thing as Christmas. I can't believe he asked me the question without even telling me what he was talking about!  And then he was so sweet last night but I was already riled up and trying to relax when he came to talk to me about it and he has no idea what I'm thinking/facing trying to make it all work and I just am not prepared for it to change.  Everything worked fine for these past few years and now it's all going to be fucked up and new and we're no good with each other and it's going to be hard and horrible 

perfect. just what I want from Christmas.

What has he done for me?

I didn't want to do this on here. I wanted it to be about listening not bitching 

but that's all I do

complain in my head

from the moment I wake up. I ache, I'm living the wrong life, I'm with the wrong guy I feel sorry for myself all over the place.

my homework was to do something selfish. selfish would be quitting my job. going whole hog. I blame my job for everything that's wrong. I blamed justin, til I realised last night I'd been objectifying him and having him like a paper doll boyfriend in my head, not a whole being in my heart. 

one-dimensional. 

and now I am nervous about going to Marlene's and spending 90 dollars on a session where I don't end up understanding myself. 

Is it that I'm lazy? or too busy? why do I not do the things that would help me? Why do I curl up and die and plug away plug away constantly til I fall down? 

And am I right to blame work? I have to work to live. I said to Janet yesterday, I can write in the evenings. and that is what I care about - writing out myself so that I can live in the world. 

just live. that's all I want.

to just stop feeling sorry for myself :)

to hear myself. 

I just can't seem to stop grumping. maybe that's the only problem I have - addicted to grumping

I think throughout the day at work I congratulate myself on little things.  and I have to be cheerful I guess, to do my job. warmheartedness and efficiency. i feel good knowing I'm competent enough to complete the tasks required.

Mechanical Friend

My lady friend and I went for a walk. We talked about work - about my experiences with triggering in the past week, how I slipped into paranoia

and we talked about sex and how it's been for me and J recently. And now I feel sad. Embarassed?  - why? because I can't bring myself to take care of it myself. I don't want to. It's sad 

why? because it means he doesn't love me. It's like I'm leaving him or something. 

when she said take care of yourself - just find a way to talk to him about it, I said I felt wrong about it. Selfish.  reminded me of my mum and my step-dad in the basement locking me out. feelings of Exclusion. 

I know what he wants. he wants me to leave him be for now. I have to find a way to do that. 

I have been trying to control the situation and I can't. he feels how he feels. He is not my play thing. 

I have my own issues with it, obviously. I can deal with those now. 

Eg: 

Sex is selfish. ugly. mean.

I am prudish. my friends have, enjoy, want sex more than me. I'm like a broken tap. no flow. 

You have to have sex in a relationship.

have I told a lie to my lady friend? is that why I'm sad? Or am I seeing the situation in a new light - perhaps that's why I'm sad. 

it just sucks - i want to love him but don't know how.

I suck. my life sucks.

I think I am just overcome with how sad it is that I have missed the connection of friendship we had. consideration not because he is my partner, which is somewhat selfishly moticated, but because I care for him. seperately from me.  That i have done him a disservice all this past while. 

that I miss feeling connected to him inside not trying so hard to be his 

?

to control him

I'm panicking over this a little.  why?

because I've messed it all up. because my relationship is stale and broken.

December 1 - New beginning?

I woke up this morning with a recognition that the radio was the wrong thing for me to wake to. Not angry at J, just decided upon changing it. 

It was pleasant. Perhaps it is because yesterday we spent a peaceful day tidying the house, restoring order. then we made a fantastic old-fashioned dinner and watched a movie. it was only after the movie that he got into the zelda, I was taking care of my face and trying the Neti-pot.

perhaps now I will change. boom. 

looking forward to it. 

when I started to wander down the grumbily road, I noticed my feelings dropping and averted the crisis by singing to myself in my head:

The Bear Necessities 

BEST SONG EVER.

So this is the way I plan to approach my day. we'll see what happens. slow and steady.

Another thing - J and I got into a fight/mixup about him not wanting to go where we'd planned to go on saturday. I didn't want to go alone. I got all shitty and started ignoring him. I noticed he wasn't coming back to the living room after peeing so I went to him and apologized. lesson - I have to connect with him and be kind to him as much as i want him to do the same for me. It's not a one-way street. 

Work

It's a bigger deal than I give credit to.
I resent that the managers have more fun than we do. They get to make decisions and comment on things. they get to go to meetings and meet people and go to the bathroom when they like. They get to work at home.
I detest some of the people I have to deal with . I ignore them consistently and that's no real way to deal. I assume they detest me.
I waste paper
I can't keep up and really don't even want to.
I try to like my job but I have a hard time
I hate that i'm unheard, that there's no where to move to, to aspire to.

New Ground - (snowy Wet ground outside)

I have been worrying that this will all get pretty boring - my ramling and disjointed posts of all my thoughts.
I mean, who cares? Well, so far I'm beginning to feel alive again, beginning to think I have something to say, even if it is silly sometimes :)
And So, I guess, reluctantly said though it is, I care.

Today on the walk to work I had a play-on-words poetry Idea: Masks of Ignorance. The people on the street who ignore you as you walk by. It's unnatural and city-like. Somewhere in there I'll mention the converse smile, a soul-lifting connection generally forgotten but occassionally and serendipitously given, like a gift from god out of the darkness.

The only problem with blogging is that I write in my journal too. not sure what to do about that.

Insense. Angry? hmm.

As far as the mind-state thread goes, too...is it a habit that I need to break with constant vigilance? by attending to where I am, will I better judge where I need to go? Or is the whole question steeped in some self-obssession that only helps me hide even more?

I have bought this book: Note to Self. I love love love it. I loved it when I even saw it in the store. Having just searched for it on Amazon, I see others that I think I could love too :)
ahh... the writing life! Yes!

discomfort

when I try and face myself
there is discomfort
I am scared
of the awakening, of the newness

I want to do this, but I am nervous
it is unfamiliar territory, after all.

and I am scared I will fail - scared I will do what I always do and turn away, get distracted and ose the momentum. not practice. find myself in a year wishing I had been awake
wishing I had written, that i had thought.
that I had allowed my subtle perception to breathe in the air and come forth.
rather than the usual choice of the brutish critical - gosh, aren't I negative - pusher I seem to live with.
It's like giving up a bad relationship I guess. Not something I've ever done. hmm.
gotta jump someday.

I'm a bit wary of posting online. I'm so used to the safety of a journal book.

it's a new sort of undemanding consciousness I've found
when welcomed in, a quiet and vivid way of seeing, that let's me think as myself for once.
sigh
but I cannot control it, it seems, I have to get out of the way. I have to listen to myself - that's the best way I can put it.
so here goes - listening now.
last night the tiredness was what brought me in alignment - alignment with myself, alignment with life A non-troubled non-fighting relationship with life.
It feels like I'm me-as-a-kid again. direct life experience? is that what it is?

listen.

distraction - timeclocks
distraction - therapy
distraction - work troubles
distraction - tv show
distraction - upsetness and fixing myself stress
distraction - self-image(s)

Insense begins

I've created this new blog as a place to save my no-holds-barred ramblings on my newest discovery:

A really new openness to listening to myself. 

Insight, they tell you in the self-help books, is like 'inner sight' - so I figured, Insense. It's a feeling thing too after all, and I consequently think it involves all your senses

so here goes, 

♥