I didn't want to do this on here. I wanted it to be about listening not bitching 

but that's all I do

complain in my head

from the moment I wake up. I ache, I'm living the wrong life, I'm with the wrong guy I feel sorry for myself all over the place.

my homework was to do something selfish. selfish would be quitting my job. going whole hog. I blame my job for everything that's wrong. I blamed justin, til I realised last night I'd been objectifying him and having him like a paper doll boyfriend in my head, not a whole being in my heart. 

one-dimensional. 

and now I am nervous about going to Marlene's and spending 90 dollars on a session where I don't end up understanding myself. 

Is it that I'm lazy? or too busy? why do I not do the things that would help me? Why do I curl up and die and plug away plug away constantly til I fall down? 

And am I right to blame work? I have to work to live. I said to Janet yesterday, I can write in the evenings. and that is what I care about - writing out myself so that I can live in the world. 

just live. that's all I want.

to just stop feeling sorry for myself :)

to hear myself. 

I just can't seem to stop grumping. maybe that's the only problem I have - addicted to grumping

I think throughout the day at work I congratulate myself on little things.  and I have to be cheerful I guess, to do my job. warmheartedness and efficiency. i feel good knowing I'm competent enough to complete the tasks required.