and we talked about sex and how it's been for me and J recently. And now I feel sad. Embarassed? - why? because I can't bring myself to take care of it myself. I don't want to. It's sad
why? because it means he doesn't love me. It's like I'm leaving him or something.
when she said take care of yourself - just find a way to talk to him about it, I said I felt wrong about it. Selfish. reminded me of my mum and my step-dad in the basement locking me out. feelings of Exclusion.
I know what he wants. he wants me to leave him be for now. I have to find a way to do that.
I have been trying to control the situation and I can't. he feels how he feels. He is not my play thing.
I have my own issues with it, obviously. I can deal with those now.
Eg:
Sex is selfish. ugly. mean.
I am prudish. my friends have, enjoy, want sex more than me. I'm like a broken tap. no flow.
You have to have sex in a relationship.
have I told a lie to my lady friend? is that why I'm sad? Or am I seeing the situation in a new light - perhaps that's why I'm sad.
it just sucks - i want to love him but don't know how.
I suck. my life sucks.
I think I am just overcome with how sad it is that I have missed the connection of friendship we had. consideration not because he is my partner, which is somewhat selfishly moticated, but because I care for him. seperately from me. That i have done him a disservice all this past while.
that I miss feeling connected to him inside not trying so hard to be his
?
to control him
I'm panicking over this a little. why?
because I've messed it all up. because my relationship is stale and broken.
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