responsibility

The kettle should pop when I want it to. Thr winter should not be cold. The heart should feel light in the morning

The boyfriend should pounce me at night

the friend should invite me out drinking

the world should give me money for clothes

I should make a list of books to read when I get time

I should clean up let down my short long hair

beautiful?

so, I've heard we should not be responsible for one another's happiness...and yet we are encouraged to think about what will make the other person happy and do it.

and I've heard this thing about responsibility being a bad word, that it should mean response-ability....

and now i'm just lost.

because all i know is i feel like i'm controlling him, making things his fault...not enjoying what he offers to me, what comes freely.

love yourself

i'm always waiting for someone else to help me save me. why? I can't do it. why not? Something is just too much for me. it's going to break or be horrible.

i can't

\

i'm not capable. i am not good at things.

(there's an irony in that)

a real irony

Am i losing it?

Listening to muse this morning and getting irritated at rewriting notes on school-agers and now finding out Justin ate my chips last night just somehow pisses me off royally.

I am just finished doing the dishes and honestly, I was thinking what if this whole thing has just been a bad idea that i didn't know how to stop or get out of? What if i need someone who will inspire me to push creatively and who will say let's go to the art gallery etc tonight the poetry reading the living breathing community around us of people who Live! Fire!

I am always putting myself second, and getting upset afterwards. I am scared to say how I feel or what I want because I don't want to push him away. well, fuck it. If he's pushed away then he's not strong enough.

Our house is disgusting and he's asleep and I am the one who cried myself to sleep last night alone while he watched tv in the living room...do you think you might just be tired? NO. I think I might have something inside me which needs expressing you dickwad!

URgg.

This is my time to be heard

Muse - Butterflies and Hurricanes. Wow

Don't take each other for granted. try to understand. be wild. let tomorrow be tomorrow and unknown.

god is there and bigger than we can imagine

listen to yourself.

I don't need to hold onto this. this story about my life can be rewritten

After talking to Tony

I should be in bed. It's late and I have work to do

"welcome to England" and "give" in my mind strong and beautiful

Last night I spent hours talking to Mel about schoolmates

and tonight it was tony about justin and sex and feeling at home in my skin

strong black vine

control and feeling it understanding it

i don't respect him enough to understand him. i take him for granted

and I am not myself enough anyways.

meaning? I am a robot

i try to control and hide and try and try

Date nights work

Can't sleep - long rant coming

Why? Is it because my brain has to deal with things that are happening in my life? is it because i am unhappy? I keep on trying to go inside and settle myself and just finding stress.

when I woke up at 6am to my little alarm on my new Timex watch, I felt settled...comfortable. for a second, and then I felt my brain wake up and start thinking.

I know I have a choice here. I know I could meditate. so why don't I?

Am i unskilled? Is that why I feel like a victim to my own mind, my own bloody annoying mental processes?
I keep on thinking about people at school - pooja and the assignment about how many times she says she wants to kill someone; the girl kristin who i think i'm starting to annoy who i really want to like me, but I'm not sure why. the discussion about race yesterday, all the work that's coming. Natasha and whether she's becoming a real friend or just another acquaintance.

I spent so long on Facebook yesterday, getting into quality mode, or trying.

why so much fear and control and fixing?

And that's the thing with all those people at school, too. I know they know. I want for them to like me but then I see it's really just me trying to hide this thing I do. this worry. I tell people i worry so they know me and accept me but really i'm warning them away.

why would I do that?

When I went to the love seminars, she sat with me and worked with me on accepting love and being loveable.

I try so hard at school to smile at everyone and be friendly and talk to everyone but it's like i'm their mother. Not looking for something in it for me. what's in it for me?

I just keep thinking I'm doing things wrong. that I need to take this firm hold, to have everything be ok again

is it that I'm not feeling my feelings?

am i hiding from myself? That's why I came in here to write.

what feelings?

fear

sadness

change

Gotta pay the bell bill/check on facebook invitations/sort out carol singing/make friends/gonna be alone/can you blame nature if she's had enough of us...so it ends so it begins....I-I am my father's son....and then the rest of the song plays out/the sun is coming up/I smell funky

truth is, i'm not enjoying this. (they are not my friends)

"So the desert sun/strawberry cactus"

What am i going to do?! (panic) there is something seriously wrong with me if I wake up at night and can't sleep because my brain won't stop

I haven't even started thinking about school so It can't be that that's worrying me. Ugh - I get so frustrated with myself. Why can't I just be normal!

this is where marlene might say it is normal. i have feelings. and then reactions to those feelings. and that's where i am.

Stuck in my reactions.

where are my feelings?

***********

Forgiveness has come in. Thank god.

Facebook is driving me crazy

So - I'm not sure what i need to do, but I know that facebook is overwhelming me in the same way as my email account was.
With the email, I came up with the great solution of - if I want to find it, I will bookmark it and go and look for it when I want it - events, etc...Add a bookmark to the 'things to do' folder. whammo. done.

no more annoying emails. well, less.

because I want my email to be about concrete interaction with people I actually know - keeping in touch with people.

Facebook has never been about that. It's been for finding people.

then it became about finding out what people are doing, and being invited to things.

then it became about playing stupid games(that lasted about a week)

and then it became about adding myself to every group imaginable so I could be a part of everything and feel really special and knowledgable, even if I don't really ever leave the house.

And well, NOW,

It's this overwhelming -"I-have-244-messages and 60 requests (once it got to 500)

and I'm not responding to people and I'm ignoring everything I get on there" Sort of thing.

UGH.

Sigh.

So I need to scale back. add people that I want to interact with in facebook ways.

and which ways are those?

- messaging people....nope - I have email for that (but some people won't email me - well, they're assholes.)

- sending silly games

- sharing pictures - maybe?

- being cool because people can see me on there with everyone else, see my friends list

- being available for people to find me if they want me.

- invitations for events. - YES, but from friends

- to read people's one-line updates. keep up-to-date easily.

- stay in touch with and support causes? better done in real life

invitations only

not pictures

address book/finding people

action:

delete account? no

Step 1 - get off groups that aren't people-i-know related (invitations from friends only - not groups. )

Step 2 - Change email notifications for invitations and friend requests only.

Step 3- Create friends lists for different groups - people I really care about (Family, Close Friends) I will check up on more.

Step 4 - tell everyone to email me if they want to keep in touch, that I will get email notifications for invitations only.

Step 5 - Check up on people(if I'm not emailing them) once in a while to see what's new. Use facebook as a datamine for email content and connection

I think I will need to post something to explain my thinking about all this - what's the point of knowing what's going on in someone's life if you never talk to them?? EMAIL ME>