Can't sleep - long rant coming

Why? Is it because my brain has to deal with things that are happening in my life? is it because i am unhappy? I keep on trying to go inside and settle myself and just finding stress.

when I woke up at 6am to my little alarm on my new Timex watch, I felt settled...comfortable. for a second, and then I felt my brain wake up and start thinking.

I know I have a choice here. I know I could meditate. so why don't I?

Am i unskilled? Is that why I feel like a victim to my own mind, my own bloody annoying mental processes?
I keep on thinking about people at school - pooja and the assignment about how many times she says she wants to kill someone; the girl kristin who i think i'm starting to annoy who i really want to like me, but I'm not sure why. the discussion about race yesterday, all the work that's coming. Natasha and whether she's becoming a real friend or just another acquaintance.

I spent so long on Facebook yesterday, getting into quality mode, or trying.

why so much fear and control and fixing?

And that's the thing with all those people at school, too. I know they know. I want for them to like me but then I see it's really just me trying to hide this thing I do. this worry. I tell people i worry so they know me and accept me but really i'm warning them away.

why would I do that?

When I went to the love seminars, she sat with me and worked with me on accepting love and being loveable.

I try so hard at school to smile at everyone and be friendly and talk to everyone but it's like i'm their mother. Not looking for something in it for me. what's in it for me?

I just keep thinking I'm doing things wrong. that I need to take this firm hold, to have everything be ok again

is it that I'm not feeling my feelings?

am i hiding from myself? That's why I came in here to write.

what feelings?

fear

sadness

change

Gotta pay the bell bill/check on facebook invitations/sort out carol singing/make friends/gonna be alone/can you blame nature if she's had enough of us...so it ends so it begins....I-I am my father's son....and then the rest of the song plays out/the sun is coming up/I smell funky

truth is, i'm not enjoying this. (they are not my friends)

"So the desert sun/strawberry cactus"

What am i going to do?! (panic) there is something seriously wrong with me if I wake up at night and can't sleep because my brain won't stop

I haven't even started thinking about school so It can't be that that's worrying me. Ugh - I get so frustrated with myself. Why can't I just be normal!

this is where marlene might say it is normal. i have feelings. and then reactions to those feelings. and that's where i am.

Stuck in my reactions.

where are my feelings?

***********

Forgiveness has come in. Thank god.