responsibility

The kettle should pop when I want it to. Thr winter should not be cold. The heart should feel light in the morning

The boyfriend should pounce me at night

the friend should invite me out drinking

the world should give me money for clothes

I should make a list of books to read when I get time

I should clean up let down my short long hair

beautiful?

so, I've heard we should not be responsible for one another's happiness...and yet we are encouraged to think about what will make the other person happy and do it.

and I've heard this thing about responsibility being a bad word, that it should mean response-ability....

and now i'm just lost.

because all i know is i feel like i'm controlling him, making things his fault...not enjoying what he offers to me, what comes freely.

love yourself

i'm always waiting for someone else to help me save me. why? I can't do it. why not? Something is just too much for me. it's going to break or be horrible.

i can't

\

i'm not capable. i am not good at things.

(there's an irony in that)

a real irony

Am i losing it?

Listening to muse this morning and getting irritated at rewriting notes on school-agers and now finding out Justin ate my chips last night just somehow pisses me off royally.

I am just finished doing the dishes and honestly, I was thinking what if this whole thing has just been a bad idea that i didn't know how to stop or get out of? What if i need someone who will inspire me to push creatively and who will say let's go to the art gallery etc tonight the poetry reading the living breathing community around us of people who Live! Fire!

I am always putting myself second, and getting upset afterwards. I am scared to say how I feel or what I want because I don't want to push him away. well, fuck it. If he's pushed away then he's not strong enough.

Our house is disgusting and he's asleep and I am the one who cried myself to sleep last night alone while he watched tv in the living room...do you think you might just be tired? NO. I think I might have something inside me which needs expressing you dickwad!

URgg.

This is my time to be heard

Muse - Butterflies and Hurricanes. Wow

Don't take each other for granted. try to understand. be wild. let tomorrow be tomorrow and unknown.

god is there and bigger than we can imagine

listen to yourself.

I don't need to hold onto this. this story about my life can be rewritten