Work

It's a bigger deal than I give credit to.
I resent that the managers have more fun than we do. They get to make decisions and comment on things. they get to go to meetings and meet people and go to the bathroom when they like. They get to work at home.
I detest some of the people I have to deal with . I ignore them consistently and that's no real way to deal. I assume they detest me.
I waste paper
I can't keep up and really don't even want to.
I try to like my job but I have a hard time
I hate that i'm unheard, that there's no where to move to, to aspire to.

New Ground - (snowy Wet ground outside)

I have been worrying that this will all get pretty boring - my ramling and disjointed posts of all my thoughts.
I mean, who cares? Well, so far I'm beginning to feel alive again, beginning to think I have something to say, even if it is silly sometimes :)
And So, I guess, reluctantly said though it is, I care.

Today on the walk to work I had a play-on-words poetry Idea: Masks of Ignorance. The people on the street who ignore you as you walk by. It's unnatural and city-like. Somewhere in there I'll mention the converse smile, a soul-lifting connection generally forgotten but occassionally and serendipitously given, like a gift from god out of the darkness.

The only problem with blogging is that I write in my journal too. not sure what to do about that.

Insense. Angry? hmm.

As far as the mind-state thread goes, too...is it a habit that I need to break with constant vigilance? by attending to where I am, will I better judge where I need to go? Or is the whole question steeped in some self-obssession that only helps me hide even more?

I have bought this book: Note to Self. I love love love it. I loved it when I even saw it in the store. Having just searched for it on Amazon, I see others that I think I could love too :)
ahh... the writing life! Yes!

discomfort

when I try and face myself
there is discomfort
I am scared
of the awakening, of the newness

I want to do this, but I am nervous
it is unfamiliar territory, after all.

and I am scared I will fail - scared I will do what I always do and turn away, get distracted and ose the momentum. not practice. find myself in a year wishing I had been awake
wishing I had written, that i had thought.
that I had allowed my subtle perception to breathe in the air and come forth.
rather than the usual choice of the brutish critical - gosh, aren't I negative - pusher I seem to live with.
It's like giving up a bad relationship I guess. Not something I've ever done. hmm.
gotta jump someday.

I'm a bit wary of posting online. I'm so used to the safety of a journal book.

it's a new sort of undemanding consciousness I've found
when welcomed in, a quiet and vivid way of seeing, that let's me think as myself for once.
sigh
but I cannot control it, it seems, I have to get out of the way. I have to listen to myself - that's the best way I can put it.
so here goes - listening now.
last night the tiredness was what brought me in alignment - alignment with myself, alignment with life A non-troubled non-fighting relationship with life.
It feels like I'm me-as-a-kid again. direct life experience? is that what it is?

listen.

distraction - timeclocks
distraction - therapy
distraction - work troubles
distraction - tv show
distraction - upsetness and fixing myself stress
distraction - self-image(s)

Insense begins

I've created this new blog as a place to save my no-holds-barred ramblings on my newest discovery:

A really new openness to listening to myself. 

Insight, they tell you in the self-help books, is like 'inner sight' - so I figured, Insense. It's a feeling thing too after all, and I consequently think it involves all your senses

so here goes, 

♥